I don't think I fit among the living. This is probably an autistic experience. Ugh. I'm tired of trying to find logic in feelings, although I can't really help that. Anyway. I don't think I can ever get used to the way things are. What do you mean we just walk around functioning as tools for a system that hates us, use us, abuse us? I'm tired of living a meaningless life, but I don't think I could ever find any meaning in this hellhole. Hence the suicidal thoughts.



A few weeks ago I had this sudden urge to just. Drop everything, and try to stard anew. Stop this fucking MsC that I hate so much, with this stupid ass fucker advisor, drop this motherfucking job, stop talking to people that I have to beg for love and consideration. Tired of that too. I did some things, I think. Cut off some people that I'm tired of accomodating, thought about leaving my job, send some CVs. But here's the thing: I can't find another job. Been searching for a while. I think my experiences are just irrelevant. And worst of all, I don't ever want to work in my field again, so. That too. But I can't survive on air, I guess. It was my birthday two weeks ago, and its always a difficult time, so maybe that didn't help at all.



Sorryyyy feeeeelings are happening needed an outlet